Fly away seeds where you will

I'm not sure I've answered the question of my blog title.  I do know that it's time to draw this blog to a close.  It represents a period of my life that I'm ready to wave a fond farewell to.
Part of the next phase is Fresh Air - a series of events exploring the questions we all ask (and I'm still asking!) -  it has its own website and blog here.  I hope to see you there.  Kx

Chapter Two

Chapter One was easy, looking back.  I rode the wave of energy and enthusiasm.  I took risks, I asked for what I wanted, I embraced the learning and the change and the difficulties. It was all part of the big experiment of life.  There were rewards.  The new is aways exciting.  And then, gradually but surely, it went wrong.  Not all of it but a part didn't work and now it's gone.

I'm starting again.  This time I have the tools and experience from Chapter One.  It's not new any more and it means more this time.  I realise that's the first mistake.  Making it IMPORTANT.  I'm still excited though.  
I will find a way to do it that works.

Are you nuts?

Potential is all well and good.  Having lots of ideas?  Fabulous.
But, really, what's the point unless you do something with all those nuts and seeds?  They'll rot or some squirrel will bury them, then eat them.  Those closely held dreams and ideas might give you a small cozy glow.  Daydreams and fantasies have their place.
But, seriously, what good is a hoard of nuts?

From Blog to Book

I'll be co-compering Scanners Night on Wednesday.  The topic, hilariously, is From Blog to Book.  No, I'm not presenting the topic, that will be Betty Herbert, author of The 52 Seductions, who did turn her blog into a book deal.  I haven't consistently blogged for months.  I still have plenty I want to say, I've just got into that very bad habit of writing in my head and then thinking I'm done.  So the topic is a good nudge; it's time for a review of what this blog is for and whether it still serves its purpose.

Bye for now.

Kx

On Death

I've been thinking about death.  Not intentionally, but it seems to keep coming up.

It all started with tax returns (yes death and taxes are the two things we can't avoid).  As I went through my papers and pulled out the necessary bits I found amongst the pension papers and bank statements things I had kept for other reasons.  A copy of the email an ex sent the morning after we first made love.  Leaving notes and cards from my array of past jobs.  Old CVs. Ancient phone contact lists.  I kept everything I needed.  I shredded everything I didn't until the shredder broke and I resorted to the fireplace. Very satisfying. Paper really burns.  Then I went through those old mementos I'd been holding on to, read them one last time and burned them too.  The whole process took about 3 days and I'd put it off for nearly three years. When I finished I felt relieved, lighter, and had an immaculate set of paperwork.  I submitted my tax return on time - hurrah!

It did occur to me, though, that there was an element of putting my house in order about this in the way someone might when they knew their time was up and wanted to make the chore of going through personal belongings easier after their death.  It wasn't a comfortable thought.  Is that why I'd put it off for so long?

Do I believe that just when I've got everything worked out the big scythe will come and get me?

On Monday I went to a workshop with Amy Hardie who made the wonderful film The Edge of Dreaming.  I saw the film a few months ago and loved its mix of neuroscience, shamanic traditions and powerful images.  It wasn't until we were in the workshop that I remembered it was a film as much about death as about dreaming and the mind/body connection.  I also realised the one piece of paper I didn't burn was the funeral service program for a friend who died too young and unexpectedly in October.  I've kept it both to remember her and to remind me to write to her mother.  The workshop explored, among other things, the Celtic tradition of bardoes, places of the soul in that intermediate stage between life and the afterlife.  Roughly they go like this in order:
1. The Place of Not Knowing (the confused place, this is where ghosts are)
2. The Place of Story Telling (where you see your whole life and accept and forgive both the damage done to you and the damage you have done to others)
3. The Place of Regrets and Transformations (where you recognise all the things you didn't do and come to terms with that)
4. The Place of Expansion (where you are free and healed, no distinction between you and others/the earth)
5. The Place of Unity/Wholeness
6. The Place of Threshold (total rest, also the place where you are given the choice of going back to live another life)
These seem like rules for living to me.  At least stages 1 to 3 seem to be stages worth cycling through as we can, when we can as we live.

Then yesterday I went to see The Descendants. Another film about death, about saying goodbye, about forgiveness and coming to terms.

Perhaps it's time I really acknowledged my own death and the deaths of all I love.  The point of death is to make living, and how we do it, matter.

Isn't it?

And if we do figure some of this out before we go, that's a good thing.  It doesn't mean we hasten our own end.  Just that when it comes we can welcome it better.
    

      

So, 2011, see ya

The end of year review.  I've been putting this off like the good procrastinator I can be.  It's been a year of learning, delaying and then getting on with it and ultimately I'm in a good place to launch into 2012.

The achievements log goes something like this:
Worked with one of the most creative theatre companies and artistic directors, taking a show to an international festival in the summer, and leaving it in very capable hands as I exit.
Two new part-time jobs lined up for 2012, working in very different organisations - visual art and career strategy.
A Psychology qualification.
Set up a regular monthly event/workshop on the theme of Fulfilling Work with a friend.
Made new friends and contacts and deepened my existing friendships.
Started dating.

The behind the scenes story:
Really struggled to find my way until after the summer.
Still find it difficult to let go of my control freak tendencies.
I'd like to think I've become a softer and warmer person, but others may disagree!

The learnings:
Forgiveness, acceptance and gratitude are the way to go.
Learn by doing.
Keep the ego under control.
Let go to let in.
I'm not responsible for everything.

I've been rehearsing a version of the end of year review over the last week or so as I've seen a lot of people I haven't seen for a while - I've spun a very positive story.  Of course it's true but it isn't quite the tidy (smug?) story I've presented.  The old adage of pride coming before a fall proved oh-so-true and just as the year is ending, a couple of slaps have reminded me to reign in a little. Not to play small, but to pay attention to how I am behaving.  To slow down and settle for a bit.  To get off the adrenaline speed boat.
To be still.  And to listen.
  
Not a bad place to be at the end of 2011.  I'm happier, wiser, more comfortable in my skin and less worried about finding my way.  I'm looking forward to next year.

Happy 2012.

Interviews and dating - similarities

I've noticed this before and it's fresh in my mind after a couple of days of interviewing.

The employer wants the candidate to be the one.
The candidate wants the employer to be the one.
The employer wants the candidate but the candidate picks another job or doesn't like the employer and turns them down.
The candidate was just checking out the employer.
The employer was testing the market as they didn't really know what they wanted.
The candidate wants the job and thinks the employer likes them but they don't.
The chemistry in the room can be palpable and misleading.
The employer persuades themself to employ someone who doesn't quite fit because they need to fill the role.
The candidate needs a job so takes one they don't really like.
Compromising on key values rarely works out.

I think that's enough, you get the point.
  

Touch and space invaders

On Monday I helped out with host training for Nightstop.  We talked about how to be with vulnerable young people.  The trainer walked over to one of the trainee hosts, touched her on the leg and said, "When I touch you, something changes.  I become your friend'.  A boundary is crossed.

Last week I touched a man on the arm when I asked him a question.  I thought I was being friendly but really I was flirting.  I wanted to touch him, to test the water.

Today a woman fell in the road in front of me.  She held up her bare hand for help.  I took it, pulled her to her feet and held it until she was ready to let go.

Touch.

This seems to be a month about endings

and false starts.  I've said goodbye to a lovely friend who died far too young.  The sadness keeps welling up in me.  It's a bitter sweet sadness that reminds me how precious life is and how much I have to be grateful for.  How life is for living and taking our opportunities, for asking for what we want.  For asking in hope without demanding.  Around me I see others trapped in their wanting and I'm not immune. Unable to sleep last night I listened to a This American Life podcast about Break Ups and torch songs, about that aching pain we feel when we are left by someone we love.  In all its painful wallowing unprotected grief.  So familiar.  And so uncomfortable when we know we have given that pain to someone we used to love.

The thing about seizing the moment is that you have to get the timing absolutely right.  It's exciting and there's no way to know when that right moment is.  Timing timing timing.  I've never been patient and I've spent a lot of time living with the consequences of some bad choices so it's hard to let things come to me now.

Other endings...my job will be finished soon.  We're interviewing this week.  It's right to leave and I'm pleased by the prospect of a new project in 2012.  Yet there's always that knowledge of what I'm giving up and so I'm enjoying the last few weeks of the good parts.  The clouds of starlings swooping over the pier in the late afternoon light.  The people I've come to know and like that are part of my day.

I hope December will be about beginnings.  I hope and I intend December to be about rest, then new beginnings.

        

Some words on Love

Love seems to have been a theme this week.  Friends around me are enjoying it, falling into it, pining for it, wishing it were reciprocated.  At a literary evening a Caribbean poet complained that we overused the word and cheapened it in the process.  I understood what he was saying but disagree.  Too much energy is spent on witholding or not expressing love.

Giving and receiving love are what it's all about.

What a week

I haven't posted for a couple of weeks.  It's been busy and at times a bit overwhelming.

Fulfilling Work has occupied a lot of time and energy as we get the events up and running.  It's been good and a big learning curve.  Being in action feels wonderful, if a bit exhausting.  I know myself well enough to ride the energy wave when it comes.

Two young people have stayed with me as a volunteer host under the Nightstop scheme.  Two different people with different stories.  I hope life is kind to them.  It's an old cliche but worth repeating that in giving we receive.  I've felt blessed to have a secure place to live and moved by the courage of the young people making their way in a difficult world.

Finally, there is Nikki, who died last weekend - too young and too unexpectedly.  It's still a shock and the sadness will linger.  She will be terribly missed and very fondly remembered.



 

Working Identity

One of the frustrating aspects of career change can be knowing that you don't want to continue in the work path you are on but not knowing which path to take forward. There's a lot of talk about finding your unique purpose, and I suspect many career changers spend a fair bit of time in introspection, trying to dig out this imagined gold that must be in there somewhere. Of course a degree of self awareness is useful and valid. The best book I have read on career change, however, takes a different tack and I have found it useful where conventional approaches have failed miserably. The book is called 'Working Identity' by Herminia Ibarra, a Professor of Organisational Behaviour who has taught at both INSEAD and Harvard Business School.

The quote below is from the chapter 'becoming yourself'

"If we knew from the start what it means to be fully ourselves, finding a new career would be so much easier. But because we are growing and changing all the time, the oft-cited key to a better working life, "knowing yourself", turns out to be the prize at the end of the journey rather than the light at its beginning.....We don't find ourselves in a blinding flash of insight, and neither do we change overnight. We learn by doing, and each new experience is part answer and part question".

This is what I am trying to do. Learn by doing.

An illustration of the Inner Pessimist at work

Our first Fulfilling Work event was great, a success beyond the criteria we'd set ourselves.  I was on a high.  The content of the workshop had been, in part, about our critical, pessimistic selves and how to manage and soothe that protective, frightened part of us.  Sitting in the bar afterwards celebrating, I was aware of a warning voice in my head going "Yes, but this fabulous working relationship and developing friendship won't last, we're bound to p*** each other off, and then what will we do?".  I pushed it aside.

The following day, this pessimistic voice took hold and I started to fall into catastrophising - how I might end up doing all the work and resenting it (based, I hasten to add, on zero evidence).  And, without going into the detail, I then proceeded to sabotage and damage a good thing.

Now I can see more clearly what was going on.

My limiting beliefs:
Good things don't last.
Things that matter to me don't work out.
You won't like me if you really know me.

I didn't realise it in time to stop myself acting out the Inner Pessimist's view.  Next time I'll be quicker to catch it. Time for a little soothing of Nervous Nellie (<- it helps to personify!).

Anthem for anxious career changers - Stevie Wonder

"Don't You Worry 'Bout A Thing"

Everybody's got a thing 
But some don't know how to handle it 
Always reachin' out in vain 
Accepting the things not worth having but 

Don't you worry 'bout a thing 
Don't you worry 'bout a thing, mama 
Cause I'll be standing on the side 
When you check it out 

They say your style of life's a drag 
And that you must go other places 
But just don't you feel too bad 
When you get fooled by smiling faces but 

Don't you worry 'bout a thing 
Don't you worry 'bout a thing, mama 
Cause I'll be standing on the side 
When you check it out...Yeah 
When you get it off...your trip 
Don't you worry 'bout a thing...Yeah 
Don't you worry 'bout a thing...Yeah 

Don't you worry 'bout a thing 
Don't you worry 'bout a thing, mama 
Cause I'll be standing on the side 
When you check it out... 
When you get it off...your trip 

Everybody needs a change 
A chance to check out the new 
But you're the only one to see 
The changes you take yourself through 

Don't you worry 'bout a thing 
Don't you worry 'bout a thing, pretty mama 
Cause I'll be standing in the wings 
When you check it out 

Don't you worry 'bout a thing 



It works for me every time...... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkBUx6Zn6mo

Maybe that's my fun

I was recently talking to a friend about Fulfilling Work events and how excited I was about the ideas and working on it with friend Catherine.  How much I was learning, how stressful it sometimes was, and what we hoped it could do.  I also shared my Nightstop experience and that it was a way for me to test out whether I wanted to go deeper and have a young person in my house for longer, perhaps even fostering.  As we talked about our lives and hopes I realised that mine were all quite 'serious' and started to laugh and apologise that there wasn't much fun in what I was talking about.

"Maybe", he said "that is your fun".  

I think he's right and what's important to me is connecting with other people, creating a sense of family and home, and sharing experiences and learning.  It is part of what what drives me.  I don't need to feel embarrassed about it.  

Author to share life-changing ideas at Brighton event

Author to share life-changing ideas at Brighton event

Yup it's our first Fulfilling Work event with a nice article in Brighton & Hove news

Learn by doing

I knew this before but now I really know it:

Working with a good partner is better than working alone.
Most cock ups can be fixed.
Some people are snipers; they'll snipe anyway so you might as well get on with it.
Friends are kind, but if you ask them to tell you the truth, they will.
Admitting your fears and ugly traits disempowers them.
The energy surge of an idea you're excited by will carry you a long way.
There will be moments of doubt and "Oh Lord, what was I thinking?"
These moments pass.

Following through

A while ago I signed up as a volunteer host for a scheme that involves putting up homeless young people in your home on a night by night basis.  There was an initial assessment, then a period of training, fire checks, social worker checks and CRB checks.  By the time all this was complete, my life had got busier and I no longer had a spare room.  Finally, though, the room was free and I awaited the call for my first Nightstop young person.

Last night a 16 year old girl stayed.  She wasn't in a hostel or on the street; she was safe in my home.  When I took the call yesterday afternoon I was tired and the last thing I felt like doing was staying in, cooking dinner and providing a listening ear to a stranger in distress - but I wanted to deliver on my promise.

It was a small thing to give I now realise.  I hope it made a difference.  I'm glad I followed through.

Sussex Nightstop


 

    

Shift Happens

Recently I arranged to meet a fellow rejector of corporate/professional life for a catch up and comparing notes session.  It turned out that we were both suffering from change fatigue and dysfunctional independence (<- Robert Holden's Shift Happens book has a handy check list for this.  Oh dear).

It only took about 5 minutes of conversation for us to realise that what we needed to do was buddy up and start making things happen together.

So Fulfilling Work was born.  An afternoon of brainstorming and we were off.  This was an idea I've been talking about doing since last autumn!  Any coach will tell you - don't do change alone.  Elicit support.  I got the part about surrounding myself with inspiring and supportive people; it took nearly a year for me to finally understand that working with other people gets things done, is fun, and more productive.

I'm slow but I get there in the end.

If anyone reading this lives in Sussex, is dissatisfied in their job (or non-job) and looking for a more fulfilling way to work, join us on the first Tuesday of every month 7-9pm in Brighton & Hove.  We have Suzy Greaves of The Big Leap (http://www.thebig-leap.com/) as the speaker for our first meeting on October 11th.  Each meeting will have a inspirational speaker, practical pragmatic advice, and networking.

The Meet Up group (Fulfilling Work) is now live for booking your place.  Click link below.
Fulfilling Work Meet Up Group

Yuck and doh!

Ha!  I post a link about pushing through fear and counsel friends on their opportunities and achievements.  Days later I'm deep in fear's grip, feeling powerless.  At a workshop this weekend I found myself in a familiar place and one I thought I'd left behind.  A place of panic and powerlessness.  An embarrassing public freezing, with my face flushed, my voice quavery and tears threatening to strike at any moment.  Followed by a hollow feeling of recognition at this weaker part of myself which I haven't yet shaken.

I set myself up for it.  I really wanted it to go well and yet when we introduced ourselves at the start I said I expected to find it difficult.

Bingo.