OK, so I'm now at stage whatever (I've lost count) of my change process. I really want to know what to do next, as my savings slowly deplete and a new career in arts administration is not a long term option. I can satisfy my love of dance and quirky theatre by going to the shows; I don't get a big enough kick from being part of the support system to stay.
I've been toying with the idea of training in psychology/counselling and spent this weekend at a free coaching weekend designed to fire up attendees and sign us up for coach training. It was fun and interesting and I met some great people. The spark, the buzz, the "ooh, that's for me" wasn't there. I could do it and almost feel I should do it because I need an income and I enjoy facilitating. The relentless focus on goals and the "rah, rah" chirpiness of the trainers left me cold and I couldn't see myself in their shoes and being delighted by it. I was disappointed and a little frustrated that another potential door seemed to be closing.
As part of this afternoon's session, we did a visualisation excercise. As always, I was able to picture my environment, my partner, the views, the pets, the company. The "work" wasn't there. So, it seems, what I want to be is a rich hippy, living in a place in the country big enough for a few waifs and strays.
Is this a goal? Is it achievable? What steps can I take today to make it a reality? Does it matter?
On the train home I opened John Parkin's "F**k It - the ultimate spiritual way". The book fell open to a section called Say Fuck It to Plans and Goals. I read it, then looked out of the window at the glorious Sussex countryside the rest of the way home.