Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Ambivalence, schlambivalence

Home vs Travel
Town vs Country
Security vs Adventure
Same vs Different
Now vs Tomorrow
Let it be vs Change it
Be vs Do
Accept vs Reject

What next?

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Envy, projection (and crushes)

Envy is useful because it tells me, when I have the wit to notice, what I am longing for and what I want.  I've noticed in recent months a tendency to over admire a certain type of person.  These people are usually teachers or facilitators of some kind with a particular heartfelt skill at the centre of it.  Sometimes they write books, sometimes they give talks and workshops.  Sometimes I find the cute male ones attractive.  I over imbue them with the qualities I want for myself - compassion, social ease, ferocious skill and competence, knowing what they want in life (ha!) and success.

Unpicking recent crushes (and the reverse, people I find myself criticising) it seems that what I want is:

- to impart knowledge
- to express myself
- to write
- to speak/present
- to travel
- to be respected in my field

And for all of this to bring me a degree of financial and emotional security.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Toothbrush Teachings

Twitter, Facebook, email...all ways to seemingly connect with others.  Very tempting for those of us who like to distract ourselves.  I know that meditation will help me.  Being quiet.  Being still. Being with myself.  The science, philosophy and spiritual practices of our times all tell me so.

I had two toothbrushes. The usual basic bristly one and a sonic one.  The sonic one works best.  The trouble, I discovered, with the sonic one is that it runs for two minutes and, apart from moving it around your mouth, you don't do much with it.  Two. Whole.  Minutes.

Faced with those two minutes I usually grabbed the regular one.  Hah, I can control you! I can brush and I can do it for as long or as little as I like.

I've finally accepted that this is not clever.  It's gone in the bin.

Now I have two minutes of enforced quiet not doing twice a day.

And my teeth feel fantastic.

Guardian article on Meditation

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Saturday, 7 May 2011

What a brilliant idea (stolen from my boss)

An argument robot.  One you can take out all your frustration and angst on when you get home from a crappy day and just need to express it.  And the best part - you always win whatever the argument is.  Then you go on with your daily life all sweetness and light and kind and loving to your partner, co-workers etc.

In the meantime I am going to have to learn to find a release for my own stresses and frustrations with myself so that those around me don't (completely unfairly) bear the brunt of it.

It's always a sign that I'm avoiding a fundamental truth or difficulty when I go into bolshy 12 year old mode.  Very unattractive.

robot post fight

Sunday, 1 May 2011

On Time

I'm a slow learner when it comes to the important things in life.  It takes a lot of repetition and experience for me to really 'get it'.  So I'm not entirely sure what the lessons of the last six months are.  I do know that I'm a happier person.  I also know that, as with any journey, I've taken myself with me on my inward journey.  I'm still carrying a lot of baggage.

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with not knowing.  Not entirely comfortable, as evidenced by the way I have overfilled my time, but at least now I can recognise what I'm doing and have taken steps to free up my diary. After all, the purpose of making the change was to slow down a little and explore other avenues of interest, to take more risks.

Old work habits have crept into my new job; it occupies more of my thinking time than I would like.  So I need strategies to shake this off.  One new(ish) hobby is harmony singing.  The reason I love this so much is that it gets me out of my head and into my body, into the moment.  So part of the solution is to be more physical.  Not too hard in the Spring when being outdoors, and walking in nature are such a pleasure.

The other part of the solution is meditation.  And yet I have not yet made this a habit.  Until I do I suspect I will continue to burn through energy on over thinking.

So perhaps these are my lessons of the last six months:

Sing, Meditate, Walk
Be in nature
Take risks
Be a beginner
Make mistakes
Be honest
Celebrate successes
Be kind