Envy is useful because it tells me, when I have the wit to notice, what I am longing for and what I want. I've noticed in recent months a tendency to over admire a certain type of person. These people are usually teachers or facilitators of some kind with a particular heartfelt skill at the centre of it. Sometimes they write books, sometimes they give talks and workshops. Sometimes I find the cute male ones attractive. I over imbue them with the qualities I want for myself - compassion, social ease, ferocious skill and competence, knowing what they want in life (ha!) and success.
Unpicking recent crushes (and the reverse, people I find myself criticising) it seems that what I want is:
- to impart knowledge
- to express myself
- to write
- to speak/present
- to travel
- to be respected in my field
And for all of this to bring me a degree of financial and emotional security.